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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  May 10, 2011 1:30pm-2:00pm PDT

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>> tonight a unique solution to the debt crisis in michigan. or as it is soon to be known, mountain dew presents michigan. and my guest hip-hop artist lupe fiasco has a new album called lasers. cat, you're going to want to watch this. animal kingdom wins the kentucky derby. don't worry, plants, you'll get them next year. this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen, thank
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you so much. welcome to the report. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you very much. thank you. for a second there i wasn't sure if that was going to coalesce into a snowball. good to have you with us. i hope everybody had a good mother's day. i celebrated as i cause do in the fetal position. but folks there is no time to waste. let's go to tonight's breaking news about what happened eight days ago. osama bin laden continues his crowd-pleasing death. all the newspapers are covering it from "the new york times" to the daily news to the "new york post". but folks, that's just new york. they are also covering it in other parts of the country like brooklyn.
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(laughter) i was particularly impressed by the coverage in der tzitung, brooklyn's hasidic newspaper of record, jim? >> now you see her, now you don't. in a hasidic paper in new york they ran this white house picture in the situation room photo from the bin laden raid. there is one problem. it removed hillary clinton. >> stephen: impressive. normally getting rid of hillary clinton requires an entire presidential primary. they removed her because the tzitung's policy to not intentionally include any images of women in the paper because it could be considered sexually suggestive. (laughter) folks, i am with the hasies on this one. there is nothing more sexually suggestive than a woman killing a terrorist. in fact, at my bachelor party a margaret thatcher impersonator in a pant suit
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clubbed an eye followa khomeni look alike to death. so don't tell my wife. she thinks i was at a strip club. so the tzitung only had two options. either take her out of the photo or hide the fact that she's a woman. principles, by making her hand bigger. of course. of tzitung's policy of removing women from photographs is not without its complications. back in the 70s when golda meir was prime minister of israel the readers assumed the country was being run by a headstrong podium. and think how hard this is on teenage hasidic boys. any empty spot in a photo could be a woman. most boys hide the victoria secret catalog under their beds but i'm sure teenager tzitung readers prefer
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architectural digest. those sumpuous interiors leave everything to the imagination. folks. folks, last thursday was the first republican presidential debate it had all the big hitters from t-paul to r-paul and every other three candidates. now how important was this debate, folks? we are less than a year away from being more than three months away from the convention. so the winner is clearly going all the way. and the winner of the debate was -- >> many thought herman cain was the winner. >> i think hands down herman cain won. >> who won the debate. how many think herman cain won the de-- debate? well, we can stop right there. >> stephen: we can stop right there, folks. radio hosts and former godfather's pizza c.e.o. herman cain will be the republican nominee. people say he's a dark horse candidate but i don't see
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horse color. i think, i think cain is the perfect choice to fix our economy. >> i don't know if you ever tasted godfather's pizza but if can keep that place from going bankrupt, he is an economic genius. and folks, we need, we need economic help. luckily it is a story that brings me hope and to tonight's word. (cheers and applause) autocratic for the people. for examples, america is strapped for cash and pretty soon china is going to start screening its calls. and recently, standard & poor's threatened to downgrade america's aaa bond rating. at which point the dollar's value would be mainly as a source of fiber. (laughter) >> stephen: folks, this is not just a national problem. state and city governments are in trouble too. and you can't just burn down a place like detroit for the
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insurance money. and it seems-- (laughter) >> stephen: no one knows debt like michigan. which has been broke since the last dodge polara rolled off the assembly line and straight into a sink hole that used to be a public park. michigan has come up with a great way to handle the debt crisis in benton harbor, a predominantly african-american community that is the poorest city in michigan. which is like being the oldest member of "60 minutes." now-- (laughter) >> stephen: to make the city solvent the state of michigan appointed a guy named joseph harris to be something called the emergency financial manager. or efm. which i assume is pronounced ef-em. and folks, i got to tell you, did he ever. (laughter) >> stephen: jim? >> on friday the 8 commissioners and mayor wilsey cook eved a copy of this order from joseph harris the state appointed
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emergency manage never charge. with governor rick snider's support, effective immediately, their power and authority was stripped. commissioners would only be able to call meetings to order, approve minutes and adjourn meetings. >> stephen: this takes all power away from the local elected officials. but harris is still willing to listen to all the voices in city government because they are all now his voice. >> so the fact of the matter is city managers now gone, i am city manager. i will take-- i'm the finance director the city manager, the mayor and the commission. and i-- . >> stephen: or as his press secretary later clarified -- >> i am the law! harris had to strip the elected representatives of their power or they might have opposed his ideas to
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save money like merging the fire and police departments. because everybody knows that cheapest way to get a cat out of a tree is you just shoot it down. for some reason, the local officials didn't enjoy this electoral castration. so last week city commissioners passed a resolution rescinding the emergency financial manager. but harris immediately rescinded their rescinding on the legal grounds that they can kiss his ass. i say-- good for him. because the people of benton marber brought this on themselves. a city of 10,000 people, saddled with $6 million of debt. that's $600 per person. benton harbor's elected officials are incompetent, therefore by electing them the voters are incompetent. so they should lose their democracy. now-- (applause)
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do not get me wrong. don't get me wrong. democracy works sometimes. just not, just not to solve a financial crisis like this. now some might say you are only saying this because benton harbor is 9 o-- 90% black. wrong. i don't see race. but i do know that certain people don't put enough thought into voting for their leaders. i'll give you a hint. a lot of them are unemployed. they're really into sports. and they love white women. you know who i am talking about. americans. (laughter) >> stephen: our national debt-- (applause) >> stephen: folks, face it, our national debt is 14 trillion dollars. to divide that by $300 million and every american owes 47,000 or 80 times as much per capita as the people of benton harbor.
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so clearly we're not going to vote our way out of this. americans have proved they don't knows what's good for them. so i am now calling can for the appointment of a national emergency financial manager. he or him will be given temporary absolute authority to make tough decisions like should we put our seniors on to ice floes or is it more cost-effective to just turn them into soil ent green. now i'm-- soylent green. now i'm sure that some people will complain, but if people take to the streets, can disperse the crowds with his new police fire vehicles. of course, crushing can dissent will be a bit of a downer so the national efm will have to build national morale with the military parade. people love missiles. and they'll get to see the programs that will never be cut can.
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and if there should come a day that the efm has overreached and come to power too long we can rise up against him, united by a common goal. to end tyranny and install a democratic government of the people, by the people and for the people. and you can bet we will make the most of our vote then. and that's the word. we'll be right back. [ male announcer ] for 5 bucks, you can get a sub. can get all this. kfc's $5 everyday meals. like two pieces of original recipe. your choice of sides, biscuit and a medium drink. 5 for 5 bucks every day. today tastes so good.
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody, my guest tonight is a hip-hop artist who wants to overthrow the united states government oh good, a number of tea party, please welcome lupe fiasco. hey, good to see you, thanks so much for coming on. >> thank you. >> stephen: all right, sir, you are a grammy winning hip-hop artist. >> yes. >> stephen: that's it, right, grammy, you know you have made it now. i'm a grammy winner. you're a grammy winner. we're kind of equally artists.
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>> maybe. definitely some similarities, in the same family. >> it's like looking in a mirror. >> got my smart glasses. that's better. >> stephen: okay. let me-- let me put on my cool glasses. >> hold oning let me put on my cool glasses. >> stephen: oh, yeah. ness i cannot see a thing. >> people know those are prescription. >> you are a four eyed nerd. >> yeah. >> stephen: now have you written some stuff and the song are you doing tonight critical of president obama, are you over obama but are you from chicago. how you can criticize president obama? >> well, i think-- always criticize power. >> stephen: always criticize power? >> always, even if you agree with it you should criticize power. >> stephen: even if you agree with power you
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criticize it. >> yeah. >> stephen: i believe you should tody to power because the suits are the ones who pick up the checkness we pay for it we actually sign those chex. you know, i'm the taxpayer so it's like that gives me the right to critique everybody. >> stephen: but if you are a taxpayer wouldn't the ultimate criticism power be not pay your taxes. >> i will be like wesley snipes then. >> stephen: yeah, you would. >> (cheers and applause) >> stephen: you have said you are critical and again i can't read anything on these cards. you are against the war on terror. >> yes can. >> stephen: i assume that given what happened last week, in pakistan you changed your mind? >> no, not necessarily. >> stephen: why, why, because can't -- >> because i don't see any end to it it's not like a war of attrition. >> stephen: we just won. we just won. (laughter) >> we got one guy. >> stephen: exactly. we got the guy.
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>> but no, not really. >> stephen: it's like throwing the ring not fires of mordor. its's done, are you just complaining because you don't know how to ride shot bin laden in the eyewitnesses riding with him high. >> stephen: riding with him high. >> yeah. >> stephen: i was riding with him high, i shot bin laden in the eye that is not bad. that is not bad at all. >> that is why they pay me the big bucks. >> stephen: you come from a radical past. your father was a black panther. >> yes. >> stephen: do you bring any black panther fight the power mentality to your music or is this the way you live your life. >> i bring it to all parts of my life. i practice what i preach and i preach what i practice, so my music is no less an extension of my life and the things that i was taught and the way i was raised in chicago. >> stephen: you said chicago was an unbelievably racist place. >> it is very segregated city. >> stephen: i lived in chicago for years.
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i didn't notice any racism in old town or the gold coast. that was very nice up there. i didn't see any black people. (laughter) this album, lasers this was being held on to by atlantic records. >> correct. >> stephen: and 250 of your fans marched on atlantic records and demanded that it be released. >> yes. >> stephen: and then they did so. >> yes. >> stephen: is that because with today's music business if 250 people buy t it's the number one album? (laughter) (applause) >> well, actually, 200,000 kids can bought the first week and that made it the number one album. >> stephen: damn! congratulations. well, buddy, are you ready, are you ready for the colbert bump. >> let's do it. >> stephen: okay, 200,000, let's double that, 400,000. shall we. >> let's do it. >> stephen: when we return
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we'll have a performance by lupe fiasco and skyler grey. thank you so much. kmeers (cheers and applause) i'm robert shapiro. over a million people have discovered how easy it is to use legalzoom for important legal documents. so start your business,
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>> stephen: and now performing the song "words i
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never said" competeuring skyler grey from the album "lasers" please welcome lupe fiasco. (cheers and applause) ♪ its so loud inside my head ♪ ♪ with words that i should have said ♪ ♪ as i drown in my regrets ♪ i can't take back the words i never said ♪ ♪ i can't take back ♪ the words i never said ♪ i really think the war on terror is a bunch of-- ♪ just a poor excuse for you to use up all your bullet ♪ ♪ how much money does it take to really make a full clip ♪ ♪ 9/11 building 7 did they really pull it ♪ ♪ awe, and the bunch of
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other cover-ups ♪ ♪ your child's future was the first to go with budget cuts ♪ ♪ if you this that hurts then ♪ ♪ wait here come the upper cut can. the school was garbage in the first place, that's the up and up. keep you at the bottom but tease with you the upper crust, you get it then you move so you never keeping up. if you turn on tv all you see a bunch of what the-- dude is dating so-and-so blabbering bought such and such. and that ain't jersey shore, how maniee that's the news, and these the same people that supposed to be telling us the truth, limbaugh is a racist, glenn beck say racist, gaza strip was getting bombed, obama didn't say-- that's why i ain't vote for him, next one either, i'm a part of the problem, my problem is i'm peaceful and i believe in the people. ♪ it's so loud inside me head ♪ ♪ with words that i should have said ♪ ♪ as i drown in my regrets
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♪ i can't take back ♪ the words i never said ♪ now you can say it ain't our fault if we never heard testimony. but if we know better than we probably deserve it, jihad is a not a holy war, where's that in the worship, murdering is not islam. and are you not observant, you and are you those at muslim. walk with bhee into the ghetto this where all the kush went, complain about the liquor store but what you drinking liquor for, complain about the gloom but when you pick up a broom, just listening to the pac aunt done make it stop. a reb nell your thoughts ain't gone make it halt if you don't become an actor you'll never be a factor, pills with million side effects take em when the pains felt, wash them down with diet soda killin off your brain cells, crooked banks around the world would gladly give you a loan today so if you ever miss payment
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they can take your home away. ♪ it's so loud inmy head ♪ it's so loud with words that i should have said ♪ ♪ as i drown in my regrets ♪ i can't take back ♪ the words i never said ♪ i never said ♪ i can't take back the words i never said ♪ ♪ i think that all the silence is worse than all the violence fear is such a weak emotion that's why i des piece it, we scared of almost everything afraid to even tell the truth so scared of what you think of me, i'm scared of even telling you, sometimes i'm like the only person tell it to, inside, i know they are selling you, take a breath and inhale a few, my screams is finally getting free, my thoughts is finally yelling through.
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♪ it's so loud inside my head ♪ ♪ with words that i should have said ♪ ♪ as i drown in my regrets ♪ i can't take back ♪ the words i never said (cheers and applause) >> stephen: the album is lasers. lupe fee as sew-- fiasco, skyler grey. we'll be right back. lawn gnomes bird baths and the competition... are officially on notice. introducing craftsman turn tight tractors. a best in class 8 inch turning radius 30% tighter than any other tractor. craftsman. trust. in your hands.
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sr. >> stephen: that's it for the report, everybody captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh